A 10 Year Anniversary (part 4)

After I got home from the hospital, I called all my family and told them what was going on. Later, my mom left to get me dinner. Subway to be exact. I was in the house by myself. That was the one and only time I cried about my diagnosis. It was scary and I was legitimately scared. But what could I do? Once I dried the tears I committed myself to controlling this thing and not letting it control me. I read and understand as much about diabetes as anyone. More so than most, I wager. And I live my life within those constraints but without limits.

There are a few harsh realities that I deal with and that have floated in the back of my mind every second of every day for the last 10 years:

1) I hate that there is not yet a cure. I hate more that politicians block stem cell research. Stem cell research is the greatest hope of a cure diabetics have ever had.

2) I am always aware of where I am, what food is available should I get low blood sugar, and I know where my insulin is at all times. While I am quite strong mentally and physically, I know that if I am cutoff from food completely or lost access to insulin... I'd be in a world of hurt. If not dead.

3) I am broken. No matter how many degrees I have, no matter how well I did in school or in athletics, no matter what good I do, I am damaged goods. It's not my fault. I know this. But it isn't exactly fair to anyone around me. It isn't fair to my parents when it all went down. It isn't fair to my friends who I spend time with. And it sure as hell isn't fair to my wife. There are HUGE insurance implications. There are endless potential health implications (kidney failure, blindness, amputation, heart disease, ED, shotened life expectancy). The reason I talk so rarely about it, and will continue to talk rarely about it, is because it is my burden and not one I want placed on anyone else. Many, many people I know and have met have no idea that I have diabetes. I like it that way. I don't want anyone's worry, anyone's pity, or anyone's concern. I just want to be me.

4) What the hell caused this? Don't misunderstand. I do not pity myself or ask "why me". I want to know HOW. No one is really sure what causes type I diabetes. There are guesses that it is part genetics (no family history whatsoever here!), but is most likely caused by some trauma or sickness. Given that I was never, ever sick, there are no good guesses. It could be that my lifetime roller coaster of weight loss and gain caused it. It could be the nigh heat stroke I had doing roofing. It could have been a result of something from my multiple mission trips to the backwoods/jungle of the Dominican Republic. It could be plain bad luck. I'll never know and that bothers me.

5) My kids. I don't know when you'll be here, but someday you will be. I don't want you to have this. Like all parents, I want you to have it better and be better than me. I don't want my issue to ever be a burden on you. I want to be able to play ball with you, meet your first love, see you graduate high school, see you graduate college and get your first job, see your face when you itnroduce me to "the one", walk you down the aisle or sit in the pews beaming when you get married. I want to hold grandkids one day. I don't think this is too much to ask for, but who knows, it may be.

So there it is, the psyche of a diabetic. This diabetic. It's not fun and it's not pretty. But it is what it is, and I live my life as fully as possible.

So "happy" 10 year anniversary to me! To you, dear diabetes, the most unwelcome of friends, I say this, "It's been 10 years and I have no complications, I've never passed out or been hospitalized. My eyes are as healthy as they were when I was born. My blood pressure is good and I am healthier than most people I know. So take that! Oh, and one more thing: Fuck you. You haven't gotten the best of me yet. You never will."